sun sun dark dark dark dark dark dark rain rain dark dark dark...
|Oldie but goodie - I guess winter is good for some things...|
I bought one of those old black and white composition notebooks on a whim the other day and recalled that i really like the process of hand-writing journals. But i also get something out of doing this public-writing, however smarmy it makes me feel to "share my feelings" and how cheesy i feel when i admit to being "a blogger." Or the dumb smile i have to feign when someone finds out. Or how many better things you, dear reader, could be doing if you weren't reading this. But enough too-cool for now.
I understand that part of this renewal is turning back to old things. But good old things -- not bad old things or even kinda-good old things. I have this problem in the keeping-bad-things-around realm, and it would infuriate me to witness this in the RebelAngel. So there's work to be done to correct the cycles and work more in the spirit of totally new things.
Right now i have a sharp need to berate myself for my lingering attachments of the heart. I just let them hang around and hang around, always having one of them to reminisce about. I think a lot of them made great characters; these larger-than-life boyfriends going on heroic, Kerouac-style adventures. The hitchhiker. The photographer. The doctor. The director. The widower. The man with the secret job. My fictions are so much more interesting when they have a caricature attached.
But for some reason this season has me in total renewal mode, and i know i have to leave alla those oldies but goodies behind. Pardon me while i quote Sex and the City, but i love the moment when level-headed Miranda realizes "he's just not that into you." Yeah.
To do the same thing over and over and hope for a new result is, as you've probably heard, akin to mental illness. So i could devise one more heroic scene for each of these characters, or i could clean the slate and write new ones in. So i'm gonna do the latter.
Meanwhile, my handwriting is getting more legible, now that i'm writing in that black notebook on the regular. Like i said, not all old things are bad things.
Coincidentally, one of RAR's original posts has to do with both 1. leaving a legacy to help my daughter learn who i was and 2. the "characters" i create. So i turn back and thus learn from myself -- do you do that too?