Friday, January 25, 2013

Winter is Long

A time comes in winter when the Vitamin D stores are exhausted and i just hit the wall. There's little to elevate me or excite me when the days are so short and the cycle of hours spins so quickly...

sun sun dark dark dark dark dark dark rain rain dark dark dark...

Oldie but goodie - I guess winter is good for some things...
Winter is really only 90 days, right? In any case, when i start to feel this noose of boredom and despair i long for new things -- to throw out old patterns and try different modes. I guess you could call it a need for spring cleaning a few months too soon. I find plenty of new things to try; the Spanish conversation club, dance classes, new sushi places... but eventually "doing something new" also means returning to things i've let fall by the wayside. Like writing on this blog.

 I bought one of those old black and white composition notebooks on a whim the other day and recalled that i really like the process of hand-writing journals. But i also get something out of doing this public-writing, however smarmy it makes me feel to "share my feelings" and how cheesy i feel when i admit to being "a blogger." Or the dumb smile i have to feign when someone finds out. Or how many better things you, dear reader, could be doing if you weren't reading this. But enough too-cool for now.

I understand that part of this renewal is turning back to old things. But good old things -- not bad old things or even kinda-good old things. I have this problem in the keeping-bad-things-around realm, and it would infuriate me to witness this in the RebelAngel. So there's work to be done to correct the cycles and work more in the spirit of totally new things.

 Right now i have a sharp need to berate myself for my lingering attachments of the heart. I just let them hang around and hang around, always having one of them to reminisce about. I think a lot of them made great characters; these larger-than-life boyfriends going on heroic, Kerouac-style adventures. The hitchhiker. The photographer. The doctor. The director. The widower. The man with the secret job. My fictions are so much more interesting when they have a caricature attached.

But for some reason this season has me in total renewal mode, and i know i have to leave alla those oldies but goodies behind. Pardon me while i quote Sex and the City, but i love the moment when level-headed Miranda realizes "he's just not that into you." Yeah.

To do the same thing over and over and hope for a new result is, as you've probably heard, akin to mental illness. So i could devise one more heroic scene for each of these characters, or i could clean the slate and write new ones in. So i'm gonna do the latter.

Meanwhile, my handwriting is getting more legible, now that i'm writing in that black notebook on the regular. Like i said, not all old things are bad things.

Coincidentally, one of RAR's original posts has to do with both 1. leaving a legacy to help my daughter learn who i was and 2. the "characters" i create. So i turn back and thus learn from myself -- do you do that too? 


Jack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack said...

[Sorry about that; one little mistake, and the whole meaning changes...]

Hi, Nicole! I know it must seem like I'm stalking you, but relax, I have a widget that tells me when one of my friends has posted, and I very much consider you a friend. When that widget showed your last post being 9 months ago, I dropped by KBOO and noted your absence. I hoped you were all right, but resisted "bothering" you, knowing you are a very independent person, and were certainly able to manage your own affairs without my input. You must have heard me thinking about you!

It's good that you embrace change. Change is the only unchanging constant in this earthly veil of tears, and you can either ride it to new frontiers and grand adventures, or you can stand defiant against it, in which case it will run over you with grand indifference, like a stampede of buffalo, leaving you with a walker, a colostomy bag, and a sour attitude to enjoy in your declining years. And don't be self-conscious about being a blogger; where else would you have had the great good fortune to meet a wonderful friend like me (Down, Ego! Sit! Stay!)? And as for me, better things than this? Would I have had these delightful conversations with a wonderful, dynamic young woman if I spent my time wandering around tourist traps, or sticking old stamps in a book? Methinks not...

I don't know, and won't ask, whether you're saying that some of the things you've written about are pure or partial fiction, but if embellishment is a talent, use it. Write some fiction. I've been doing it my whole life, and I've found that people love it, and look at you in a whole new light after you've taken them on some grand adventure they never would have experienced otherwise. If you get an odd moment when you're "rained in," swing by and visit my new digs, ~ I don't think we've talked since I bought the domain, but I do think you'll love what I've done with the place.

Well, whatever you decide, it's good to see you back, sword in hand, standing tall against the winter blahs. Obviously, I don't know you the way I know people that I went to school with, but I've followed your trials and triumphs over several years, I was concerned about you, and I'm glad to see you're still fighting the good fight. Take care of yourself, and that wonderful little lady of yours, and remember, the bad guys ain't won 'til you decide you're done!

Why don't you come up and see me. I'll knit you a handkerchief...

All the best in all things always,
~ Jack

mika shiozawa said...

great post, Nicole! I hear you on many levels. Letting go and trusting the universe...ebb and flow, baby.