Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Rub

I stopped writing for a while because i got sick of hearing my own voice in my head, when there seemed so many more pressing things to spend my time on.

Then some of you started to clamor about missing my drivel, so i tossed out a few more cyberwords.

I railed about how i didn't need a man to make me happy.

Then, on account of increasing negligence on the part of the rebelangel's other parent, and the late nights it forces me to spend writing for this roof instead of writing for fun, i got to thinking about how badly she needs a positive male influence in her life -- a steady one who sticks around and spoils her like a father. I actually even started to think about settling down. Shhh... don't tell...

I preached and praised the place i live for its progressiveness, its positive energy, and its proximity to sea and mountains.

Then, like the thinnest putty knife wedged in a stubborn crag, someone brought up leaving this place, because perhaps i wouldn't have to work so futilely elsewhere. That old stone started to give way.

A while back i would have told you that never would i have imagined leaving this home of mine within the next year. But since the rub's come to do its rubbing so many times lately, i have to say i don't know anymore. I make decisions and then make the opposite one. I do something or nothing and the universe drops the other side in my lap.

I sat down to write tonight and i had nothing in mind, but this is what came out. So obviously the answers are not definitive in my head, and i need to work some of it out on this public page.
So i ask you: should i stay in the place that has been my home for the better part of ten years, where a mostly-absent father and his helpful mother live, but where it's far from my family, and the gaggle of hipsters with liberal arts degrees make unemployment consistently high? Or should i move within a morning's drive of my own parents and siblings, where the economy is better and the sun shines 300 days a year?

I try not to sway you too much with lofty words that adorn any one side more than the other, but it's almost as if the script is already written. The unknown always seems a bit rosier, and worth a try if you're having doubts...


Jack said...

Hi, Nicole. Dropped by again; curious, I guess. I see you are soliciting the advice of strangers. Always a risky proposition, asking from advice from those without a stake. I remember those times (I'm 62 now), when you had to make a decision to travel one road or another, and you'd likely find out in 15 years whether you made the right choice. When I am asked for advice by a friend, I always say, "This is my advice: Examine the situation you're in. If it is untenable, or you can see a reasonable way to make an improvement, then go for it." People have pretty much stopped asking me for advice by now, and I don't know why I'm drawn to your blog, but something touched a chord I guess.
Here is one thing to think about where parents are concerned: Your partner's parents met you as an adult, and view you as such. Your own parents met you as a baby, helped you throughout your childhood, and SOME parents are never ready to see their children grow out of that role. Decisions may be made for you, and hard feelings can arise if their advice is not accepted as gospel. My own "kids" are in their 30's with their own kids, and I have to guard against this every time we have a serious conversation. Obviously, I know nothing about your parents, but if you remain aware of the possibility, this may have less of an impact. Here's a piece of Taoist wisdom on the subject of facing a major change:
"Don't be afraid to explore; without exploration there are no discoveries. Don't be afraid of partial solutions; without the tentative, there is no accomplishment."
I won't bother you again; the third contact by a strange man twice your age is officially creepy, and I don't want to be that. Farewell, and best of luck to you. You deserve it.

Nicole said...

jack -
thanks for the advice. i am really having a hard time with this one and any extra input is helpful for at least some contemplation.
as for the business about not dropping by again and "bothering" me -- i guess that's the beauty of cyberspace. people who never would have met and discussed their lives now have a fairly safe forum to do so. so drop in anytime... i like that people actually read this thing but it also makes me realize this is not just a place for my inner monologue to be recorded!

Jack said...

Hello, my young friend. Here I am back, by invitation this time, and if I ever become annoying to you, just say "stop." I'm a guy from the old school; I know what "no" means. First the disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist, nor a social worker of any kind. I have never spent a day in a college classroom. What I bring to the conversation is 62 years of traveling the path, and the awareness of having made some of these decisions, and what they led to. I guess you might say that's my Masters thesis for the University of Hard Knocks. So, I told you I didn't know why I was drawn to your blog. I'm starting to form a solid impression. Two things jump out of your posts: The strength of your character, and the strength of your devotion to your little girl. In one of your posts you said that sometimes you don't feel strong, but no one believes it, because they think it never wavers. Trust me, it doesn't. There are houses that are hundreds of years old, and remain as sound as the day they were built. Others are put up with a staple gun, and are lucky to last a decade. Your mood is like the paint on the house, and just as people can paint a well-built house in ugly colors, a rotten day can give you an ugly mood. The paint doesn't somehow make the house chintzier, and a bad mood doesn't diminish the strength that is so obviously yours that a stranger can see it in your written words. If you make every decision based on what's good for your rebelangel, and the decision is based on honest assessments made from the strength of your character, you won't go very wrong. Just realize that if you wait to act until the stars are in perfect alignment, you will never act, because that never happens. Life is always throwing some crap at us. The ones who rise above are the ones who can turn on a dime, thrive in the chaos, and make the surprises work for them. Whether you stay or go, you're going to get surprised. Just be sure you're ready to grab what's good in it; You'll be fine. By the way, thanks for inviting me back. I'm rooting for you.