Monday, March 22, 2010

In the glory



funny how you know

others think you're strong
so when you're not feeling so
they just don't believe you

they don't hear you
they just ask you,
"mama, why are you sad?"

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It's funny how the clarity and the silence that i begged for in the clamor of the last evening came to me not in the quiet moments between me and my bed, but this afternoon instead, in the speed and the everything that passes at 70 miles an hour. I gain so much with the din of the highway -- telling me again and again that i don't really know what i need necessarily, or even what i am.

In the days after my return from Haiti, i did what i could to re-establish the bond with my daughter. But somehow she knew that the guilt i was feeling over needing to do that was marring my ability to process what i'd been through. So after the first day of bikes in the park and arcades and movie theater popcorn, my insightful little girl asked to go to her grandma's house the next night.

It furthered my guilt for a second to think that the heavy-heavy i was going through had affected her to that level -- that she could not deal with what mama was going through and had to flee.

But that was not it at all, as i see now. She really had the tremendous audacity to see that she was not what i needed. That i needed to shore up my reserves of love and strength and doing-ness for another night and day, and to be with her later on.

So she gave me that night.

What an amazing child this is. This picture of her is what she looks like when she thinks no one is looking, when she's singing to herself and lost in the glory of what she sees. She delights in these little moments daily, and sometimes i capture them.

And what the highway reminded me today, as i left her for her Spring Break week with her father, is that other times she allows me to have these moments myself, knowing i will come back the strong mama who she can believe in again...

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