Thursday, January 28, 2010


I can tell when my father says
"now, Nikki,"
that i'm forever that
tight-rolled preteen
knowing nothing whatever of the world.

I could start to get emotional about the tone of one simple pet name, or i could get real and realize that maybe, in this case, i really do know nothing whatever.

The deal is, i'm in the midst of a deal that could see me owning not one or two, but three rental units in the next couple months. I am scared shitless that i am going to screw it up, work the margins the wrong way, forget some important financial obligation that must be factored in, or otherwise fall right back into... where i am right now.

I want this comeuppance so badly -- have for years. At this moment the best way to ensure i'm not going to do any of the above-named things is to consult the wizards and wise-people in my life, and listen when they give their assessment. Even when the prideful preteen with the puffy bangs comes out in the conversations that are supposed to be so adult.

So that's one thing.

The other is, in spite of my desire to be so independent, i am freaked about making this decision on my own, as a single person. In this case, one of the best parts about being single appears to be the rub too: When things go right, pat your owndamnself on the back. When things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. So will i loathe myself if i make the wrong choice in this case?

Or is this question here to teach me that love and loathing should not be so conditional -- that we should not love someone or start hating them only based upon the choices they make?

So that's the other thing. I can consult the oracles in my life and ask them what they think, but in the end I am the one writing the checks and taking on the pile of stress, and perhaps stacks of cash too.


Ms. Single Mama said...

I am right there with you. Freaked out I am going to mess something up. Going out on my own again, quitting my job, starting my own business. But, if we mess up - we mess up. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. ; )

This is a beautiful post. Glad I popped in.

Nicole Vulcan said...

MSM, I totally trust you won't mess something up. Now if i could have the same confidence for moi!

Thanks for the ups.