'O girl i am amazed by your ability to roll with all you have to deal with, and still succeed in doing what you do...'
I am flattered by the compliment -- but is it really one? If i didn't have "all i have to deal with" -- this child, her childish father, a stressful job, living two flubs from poverty -- how then would you regard my success/failure/folly? If i were the strongest, smartest, most solid person you knew, would you still say 'you did such a good job with such and such?' Or is it just that you don't expect someone like me to do anything but wring their hands, despair, and worry? Just a snitty, narcissitic, tired-out thought. I have had about eight hours sleep in the past two days, working to put together a radio show i am calling a 'personal history lesson.' I interviewed my grandmas about a month ago when i was back in SoDak. I wanted to know what i could learn from the people in my life who lived through lean times and still thrived. I have spent the past two nights burning the midnight oil at the radio station, wishing Adobe Audition were a person so i could wring her little freaking neck. "Why you little...." Homer Simpson style. But the show is finally on tonight on www.kboo.fm. I did the interviews with my matriarchs because i wanted to know what it was really like to live on a farm, and not just pretend to have one with a chicken coop and a wilting garden.
But even with my grandmas' storied advice, apparently i have a lot to learn.
My two surviving chicks are spooked. I came into the Chicken Chalet yesterday and the two of them were sitting up high, on top of a plastic container on top of a waist-high bench. They apparently are not willing to hit the floor again, where a marauding dog might come in at any moment and snatch away one of their loved ones. So the survivors avoid going down to eat from their dish, still full yesterday when it is normally empty by the time i get around to filling it up at night. The hunters among me giggle that Isis was just a chicken. But she was also my pet. And i didn't like to see her eyes closed and her limp body thrown into a pit. Call me overdramatic but i raised her from the second day of her life. I am sad. Worn out. And questioning why i 'do what i do."