I thought about burying this story in my head, under a bunch of cobwebs and piles of dirt where no one would ever hear about it, even if my subconscious makes me start sleeptalking again. But it's just too good, so i have to self-depricate.
I made a stab at vanity this week, deciding that my teeth were getting too yellow and i needed to bust out the whitening kit. I used the painful orthodontic retainer and the goopy gel successfully the first night, but the next day i decided i needed to do it again. (As i write this i realize how many of my stories involve me being half-cocked. This is another one -- but i suppose i forgive myself, since the kiddo is gone again and it's my time.) So i came home half-cocked and got out the stuff again before bed. I had a hard time putting the gel on the retainer this time; it got all globby and wouldn't spread like it had before. But i just thought the stuff was getting old or something. But the second i put those damn retainers in my mouth, stuff started burning like the fires of hell. I thought 'o this stuff is getting waaay old, but it's burning because it's working...' So i kept it on for about a minute, before i realized something was seriously wrong. It didn't taste all minty fresh, and it f'ing hurt. In fact it kinda tasted like putting my head in a bucket of chemicals and breathing in a nice, unhealthy gasp. So i took the trays off and looked in the mirror to see the gums around all my front teeth were pure white and still burning. What the hell!? So i took out that tube of whitening gel -- which was sitting right next to....
My daughter's wart gel. Yes. Have at it. Gasp. Simper. Cringe. Laugh. And yes, a four year old has warts which require that nasty gel. Yeesh. Somehow in my partly drunk, gonnna-get-pretty-before-bed state i pulled out the wrong tube. And they aren't even the same size or color! Some of my gums are still white. Other parts of the skin are peeling off. And they're sore -- like how they feel after the dentist pokes around in your mouth with that metal probe. (I didn't tell you this was going to be a nice story...)
So much for freaking vanity.